I am a recovering individualist. These past few months I have been the center of the universe. Well, at least in my own eyes. I have lived like I could carry my life and my relationships on my own, and I failed. I let pride rule my heart, and took on things with an attitude of, "I've got this, God. I'm a good Christian. I can handle it." And when I found out that what I thought I'd be doing with my life wasn't where God was leading me, I got angry because I wanted so badly to be right just to please my own ego. I began to cling to people instead of allowing God to source me because I was so frustrated with Him and wanted to prove that I was good enough. I let other things in my life take His rightful place;
I took His rightful place. And I failed. And I am so okay with that. Because at the end of the day, no matter how centered around myself I was, my heart was desperately crying out to God to be the center again. I knew that I was building up walls against people and against God that would eventually crumble. I knew that nothing would satisfy until my heart was satisfied in Him.
Today, I woke up knowing that He is God and I am not, and that is a beautiful thing. He has richly blessed me, and I began my day knowing that my God redeems the broken things of our lives. The things I messed up He can restore. And I am so at peace in who I am. He has changed my attitude from me, me, me to one of pure surrender and peace, pure satisfaction in His arms. And I am able to look on my relationships and situations and future and rest in His amazing blessings and in the knowledge that He is in control. I am so thankful for those who have shown me God's grace in such a time of selfishness. They poured out His love and truth on me as God gently humbled me. And I am so glad to know that all is right in my world because God is in the center of it.
Today in chapel we celebrated the life of an alumnus who graduated from IWU in 2000. She was killed in August by the Taliban in Afghanistan. I was touched by the stories of her selfless faith and sweet surrender to whatever God had for her life. In her time at IWU she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life but ended up working as a humanitarian, teaching nutrition to the women and children in that country. As one of the speakers talked about Cheryl's life, he reminded us of the woman who poured out perfume on Jesus' feet (Matthew 26: 6-13). As her intentions are questioned, Jesus says, "She did what she could." I was so struck by those few words. She did what she could. So often we walk around debating the meaning of our lives, when in a moment it can all end. I was captivated by Cheryl's deep faith, and more so the way she lived what she believed by doing everything she could to pour out Christ's love on people in whatever walk of life she was in.
God has called me; of that I am certain. But there is something beautiful in the mystery. Not in waiting around for some sign in the sky, but in following His heart with abandon and living in the freedom He has called me to, in seeing the people around me with His eyes and being so moved that I have to do something about the injustice of the world. I will have my own Afghanistan, a place and a people that God breaks my heart for. But right now, I simply desire to walk in obedience to Him, to soak up every relationship He has blessed me with, and to make sure that He stays at the center of my universe, because that is exactly where He belongs. But the prayer of my life is that when I walk from this life into the next, it will be said of me, "She did what she could." She poured out her life for others. She lived with abandon. She took risks and opened up her heart. She loved richly and truly, not for selfish gain but because God loved through her. May God, not myself, be glorified through every breath I breathe.
