Weak

God cares more about our character than our comfort. That's an almost impossible reality to accept. And yet it's been smacking me in the face.

I have fallen victim to this thing called pride. It disguises itself as comfort, as vanity or confidence, as false strength, as a number of seemingly harmless things. But it creeps in. In little passing thoughts, in intentions, in words. And I've seen the ways I hold myself on a pedestal. And I've fallen hard, only to be reminded of my humanity. Only to be reminded that I am not enough.

Talk about a reality check.

So where do I go from here? How do I pick myself back up? How do I attempt to continue when I've fallen so far and screwed up so many relationships and lost perspective? How do I heal as old wounds are ripped open? How do I have confidence in the woman God has called me to be when satan attacks my feminine heart and seeks to tear me down? And how do I turn to God when the last drops of pride say to rely only on myself? How do I seek His heart when all I want to do is hide my own?

And yet. Here I am. Fallen in the dirt. Most everyone I believed in are distant, moving on, or I've pushed them away. I have none of the strength I prided myself in having. All the ideas and things I've believed are just ideas when push comes to shove. Because this is reality. We can talk theology all day long. You can tell me I only have to trust in God. But it's hard. There is no simpler way to put it.

And yet.

My hurting heart, laid to bare with old scars re-opened, cannot ignore the heart of my Savior. Yes, life hurts. It hurts to revisit things I hoped as a little girl I'd forget with time. It sucks to be humbled. I feel naked as I have been stripped of all my preconceived notions about God and myself. And all this because God has been faithful to answer my prayers to know Him better.

But I have to say. In the midst of it all. Knowing full well I could just retreat, just hide my heart. My God is mighty to save. He is worthy. He is good. He is patient. He is still the passionate lover who calls to my heart with blazing sunsets. He has shown me that the purpose in all of this is healing. It's humility. It's understanding the heart of my Savior. And that is worth being weak for. That is worth vulnerability.

I don't have all the answers. But I've built my life believing in One who does. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I'm going to trust that the God who breathed life into my lungs can handle a little thing like tomorrow. I'm going to have faith that in the epicenter of my pain, Jesus is there. He's there with nail-pierced hands and a broken heart. He's there to wrap his arms around me. He's there to heal me.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Jesus, when I have nothing else to stand on, You remain. I don't deserve a love like that. And I don't know all that You're trying to teach me. But would You open my eyes? And would You hold my heart? You're the only one that can.