Fear

Fear.

Four letters. A short, frequently used word. And it has completely wreaked havoc in my heart.

I'm coping in my head and heart with the fact that I'm weak. I'm human. And I'll always be human and subject to lots of mess ups.

But I'm terrified to show my weakness.

I'm terrified to admit that I don't have it all together, that I'm hurting, that I've never felt so alone. Terrified to tell people that this past Sunday was the first in almost a month that I haven't cried. Afraid to tell someone that last Wednesday I cried all the way home from a friend's house after church.

It's one thing to write it out on here. I don't write for someone else. This is purely me coping with what's going on in my life. I don't see the faces of the few who read what I write.

And I like that.

I can't find it in me to tell the people who have walked through life with me for the past several years that I'm struggling and that I need so much more than words. I long to have their presence. But I don't know if I'll get it. I don't know if they'll come through. Am I willing to risk that?

What if God is telling me to? To risk disappointment? To be vulnerable? That thought alone is enough to turn my stomach. I'm supposed to go on a retreat this weekend. And my pride is screaming to not go. Don't risk it. It's not worth it. They aren't worth it.

But it is. And they are.

Because even if they don't come through. Even if my heart goes unheard. Even if no one stands beside me.

My God is enough. He always comes through. He hears my heart. He stands beside me.

And saying that is hard. Believing that removes all my excuses to hold my fear around me like a security blanket. Living that out, actually putting it into practice, requires everything.

I'm still reading Captivating. And I'm learning from it. And I'm seeing that to live in the Lord is to have a heart that is at rest. A heart that is content in Him. Living in Him is to possess a heart of true beauty, of authenticity; a heart that lacks striving.

And past all my fears and doubts, my soul thirsts for His life, for His healing. And He calls me to be vulnerable. To open up my heart and in the midst of all the fear of rejection and of being invisible to be authentic. I don't want to hide or be a bearer of chaos. I desire His peace. And it comes through living with an open heart.

And I may be ignored. But. My God is enough. And really learning that, really living that, is hard. But I've come too far to go back to looking to people to be my source. His grace is enough. And I need to be able to stand on that.

Oh God, I'm swimming in fear, but you are so much bigger than any of it. You are the God who is calling me to healing and reliance on You. You don't wish heartbreak or sadness on me. You use the crappy aspects of life to hedge me in and draw me to You. Thank You, God, for being willing to go to any length to save my soul. Help me to cast aside everything that holds me back. May I be so rooted and sourced in You that the relationships in my life are just overflow. May the true source come from You. I surrender my fear and all else that holds me back. Into Your arms I'm falling.