To Be Reminded

I think God is quirky.

He has this way of randomly dragging me back into His graceful arms. He uses little things. Like random Facebook conversations.

A friend and I had a conversation several months ago after we'd watched "Hotel Rwanda". I remember I cried all the way home because I was so sad and so angry. But we got on Facebook and started chatting, and suddenly we went from talking about heartaches and battles to the goodness of God and of His love for us. We talked about wanting to be used to change people's lives through the love of God and we wanted to share it with everybody.

Now flash forward several months.

I've been living defeated. Satan has been kicking me while I'm down and I'm letting him. I have given in to this idea that maybe I'm not so useful to God's work after all. I've had a hard time accepting that my friends love me, and I've had a hard time running into my loving Father's arms because of pride.

The most convicting parts of the chat?

My friend said, "The battles will just bring you closer. And when you do the Lord's work, you will battle because satan doesn't want you to speak up."

My response? "But like you said. They only draw us closer. And then you laugh in satan's face because he's powerless against God."

Oh me of little faith.

I have not been laughing.

I have been miserable. Stressed. Downright pissy. Giving in to every temptation to act like I'm defeated.

Punch in the gut number two: I said, "(God's love) has blown my mind since day one. But it's there and I can't live without it. And now I've fallen completely head over heals for Him and there's absolutely no turning back even when times are tough."

What am I doing???

The same God who swept me off my feet is the same God who is calling me to claim HIS victory even now, even in the valley where the mountain seems so far off but my Rock is standing right next to me. The same God who poured His love out on me is calling me to seek His steadfast love and not try to rely on my human love to carry out what He has called me to do and what He alone can provide for. The God who has wooed me, captured my attention, captivated my heart, He's the God who freed the Israelites from slavery and who rescued Gomer from her promiscuity and who raised Jesus from the dead. This same God is calling me to live in freedom, to walk every step with Him.

And I'm struggling with apathy.

I have no reason to. No reason to feel anything less than holy passion and love and desire for a God who abounds in mercy and grace and who overwhelms me with the beauty of His creation, His people, and most importantly His heart. But I'm human. I don't always realize or acknowledge how good I've got it.

But His grace covers me.

When I lack desire, He makes me hungry for Him. When I lack motivation, He ignites a fire within my heart. And when I fake myself out and say I'm giving God my authentic love but am really holding back, He demands everything and won't let me rest until my mouth matches up with my heart.

I'm so thankful for the reminder that I received tonight. The same God who inspires conversations that lift up His name inspires even the weariest heart into worship and selfless, abandoned following.

This is a prayer that I read in a book called "Crazy Love". I didn't write it, but I'm claiming it as mine.

Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. Oh God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise up and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long.