Taking a Step Back

It's so easy to play the "blame game." It's so easy to throw the punches at someone else, to point out someone elses flaws and to get in their face about their problems. It's so much easier to see the way you've been hurt than it is to look yourself in the face and be real about the ways you've done the hurting.

Which is exactly what I've had to do.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been tough. Even writing about it is tough. It's hard to put words to that which proves weakness. But God has been in my face. He's relentless like that. And in the midst of Him healing my wounds and giving me the strength to stand and giving me a confidence that can come only from Him, He's been holding a mirror in front of my face. He and I see what no one else sees. Scars hidden behind walls, hidden behind veils, hidden behind masks. Hurts that have been brushed under the bed. He's been calling them out one by one and covering each one with His healing blood; with His redeeming, graceful love.

But as He has peeled back the layers, He has shown me the consequences of my wounds. Sure, I've known my imperfections for a very long time. I know my moods, my attitudes, my intentions, my slips of the tongue, my temper. But it took being treated as I have treated others to realize that hurt people hurt others, and that's exactly what I've done.

It's a humbling moment when you realize the cycle of death. Someone hurts you, so you build up fortified walls and hurt someone else before they hurt you, so they strike back out of their hurt. The vicious cycle goes on and on until we as a people and I as a person end up in the present predicament of a hurt world and a hurt heart.

The Lord has been faithful to heal the hurts that have been inflicted on me. As I said in a previous blog, He has sent away my accusers and no one stands before me with stones. But I have thrown stones. I have spoken accusations--and I have been humbled by the same God who turned away my accusers.

I've had to make reparations.

I swore I'd done enough. I thought the blame was rightfully placed. I would take on some and they would take on some and we'd call it even. But that logic does not work with matters of the heart. Only authenticity with those who've hurt and whom you've hurt can begin the healing process.

What a sweet victory in the day when the Lord humbled me to such a place that I could be open with my sisters once more. I could tell my story, I could speak of the heartache I've had. And I could be real about the stones I've thrown at them. By the grace of God I was humbled to sincerity, ripped of every wall, and made authentic to those who deserved to hear all that God in His grace has delivered me from. It was draining and rough and hard. It was only the first step in a long line of reparations. It was opposed by the enemy. But another chain dropped that day in this one-by-one process toward freedom in Christ.

Father, thank You for Your love. Thank You for taking me into the depths of Your heart and showing me that my righteousness can only be found in You. Thank You for truly establishing my identity in You. When I have no where else to run, I run to You, and that's a beautiful thing. But thank You for challenging me. Thank You for being real with me and for making me see how desperate I am for Your grace. Thank You for allowing me the opportunity to be authentic once more and thank You for the ways You will continue to break down walls and bring healing. God, do in me what you desire, for I am Yours and I realize how desperately I need You because I fall short in so many ways. But continue to pour out Your grace on me. Continue to awaken my heart to Your love. May I fall evermore in love with You, Savior.