Home

Sometimes I feel like Nemo.

I know it's random, but as I write I'm babysitting (they're in bed; I'm not ignoring them) and the kids wanted to watch "Finding Nemo". And I can't help but relate to the little guy. I like to test the waters, push the boundaries, sometimes ignore what I know is best. And I get myself into a heap of trouble. I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. In trying to prove myself, I get caught up and forget what I wanted to prove in the first place, or why I even needed to prove something. And the next thing I know, I'm miles away from home and fighting like mad to get back.

And sometimes I forget where home is, complicating the journey all the more. I've looked for it in relationships, in places, but it is nowhere to be found in those fleeting human aspects of life. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is only at home in one person, in one place. It still shocks me that after the past few years I still try to prove myself, to prove my worth, by doing things. I continue to throw my heart at things that are not home. What amazes me most, however, is that the Keeper of my home still welcomes me back with open arms. God, the god of Hesed, of covenant faithfulness and loyal love, runs to me even as I run to Him. Even before I realize that I need to turn around, He is already chasing me, already drawing me back. He stops at nothing to reach me, sending people along the way to point me to where the compass of my heart is already pointing.

Sometimes I still feel like the wayward wife. Like a prostitute who has been given a second chance but continues to cheat on the lover of her soul because it is the only life she has ever known. Sometimes this life of authenticity is raw and sucks and it's so much easier to hide in shame because atleast that's familar. And then I come crawling back to Home, to Him. And of course He takes me back like I know He always will, but it's just not the same. We have more crap to sift through. His love is unwavering, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to deal with the consequences of running.

But God's love manifests itself in so many ways. Right now, I'm learning the Father's love, the love that embraces and yet gently reprimands. But with being reprimanded comes a lot of learning, and it leaves me dry and weary. This is a song that has become my prayer through these days of finding Home again:

Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

CHORUS

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

CHORUS

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow