Something Worth Celebrating

The summer is always special to me. I get to have some of the best adventures with my friends and family and I always walk away amazed at how blessed each summer is. For the past few years, though, one day has stood out. I've wanted to share an excerpt from my journal from that day this year, but I haven't been on the computer much lately. It's written as a prayer and is simply my heart. So, from June 13:

"Beloved Savior,
It's so hard to believe that it's been four years since I realized that You love me, since You grabbed hold of my heart. I still remember that moment vividly. I had my hands to my cheeks and the camp speaker was describing Your love. And suddenly it was Your hands, suddenly You had this tight, clenched grip on my heart. I could hardly breathe. The tears started rolling as You said, "Devin, I love you." And You drew my heart to its knees and I believed. I knew. It wasn't a camp high; it changed everything. I still had wounds, deep wounds. But I was loved. And that gave me hope. That gave me an unshakable joy. I knew I'd be alright because You loved me. My heart was born again, new, filled.

"Today was a beautiful time of reflection. Our morning exercise was to map out the journey that led each of us to where we are now (Each day has been a different question: Day one was "Where are you?" I identified most with worry. Day two was, "How did you get here?"). I got to map out every defining moment, from when I was first aware of You at age five, to being wounded in ways I thought were irreparable, to the shame, the worthlessness, the pain, to the friends who came in and those who walked away, to suicide, to loneliness, to moving churches, to June 13, 2006, to discovering authenticity little by little, to sisters in Christ, to more friends leaving, to more healing, to now, with all the beautiful relationships, to all the talks that now have to be put to action, to the worry that fills my heart about college and what will happen with present relationships. And I realized how beautiful my story is because You are in all of it. Your power overcomes my selfishness. Your healing infiltrates my life. You have used Your servants to inspire me to authenticity. It's beautiful, God. Beautiful because You are beautiful, because You are strong. Why do I worry? Why do I let myself wander? I get so distracted, even by the wonderful blessings in my life. But every moment is Yours. I am not my own. My life is not my own. I am Yours, all Yours. Thank You for my sisters who take time to remind me of simple truth--You've got this, God. You've got me, You've got the relationships I cherish, You've got my family, You've got my call, You've got college. Thank You for on my "birthday" bringing me to my knees and making me fall head-over-heels all over again. As we sang "How He Loves" at the end of service, I began to realize that four years ago I couldn't sing that and believe it. Now it is the anthem of my life. I was drawn to praise as we sang and began weeping as I thanked You. And my heart could not stop praising as I again realized how unworthy I am and how merciful You are. It was, in every way, beautiful.

"You're beautiful, God. I love You. May I love You with all of my life. I surrender to Your call, to Your heart, to You. I am Yours. Have Your way in me. Fill me, empty me, raise me up, bring me low. Whatever the cost, to the glory of Your name. I trust You. I thank You. I love You. Break my heart for what breaks Yours; open the eyes of my heart to Your beauty and to the brokenness around me. You are everything. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I've learned over the years that there is always something worth celebrating. God's goodness transcends the heartaches and the let downs of life. God's goodness should never be forgotten when things are light and easy. This summer has been a beautiful time of reflection on the story God has written of my life thus far, and it has been a time of preparation for the chapters to come. And now to conclude with some Starfield that has resonated with my time of reflection:

Alive in this Moment
It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

Chorus:
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Chorus

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening