Something Worth Celebrating

The summer is always special to me. I get to have some of the best adventures with my friends and family and I always walk away amazed at how blessed each summer is. For the past few years, though, one day has stood out. I've wanted to share an excerpt from my journal from that day this year, but I haven't been on the computer much lately. It's written as a prayer and is simply my heart. So, from June 13:

"Beloved Savior,
It's so hard to believe that it's been four years since I realized that You love me, since You grabbed hold of my heart. I still remember that moment vividly. I had my hands to my cheeks and the camp speaker was describing Your love. And suddenly it was Your hands, suddenly You had this tight, clenched grip on my heart. I could hardly breathe. The tears started rolling as You said, "Devin, I love you." And You drew my heart to its knees and I believed. I knew. It wasn't a camp high; it changed everything. I still had wounds, deep wounds. But I was loved. And that gave me hope. That gave me an unshakable joy. I knew I'd be alright because You loved me. My heart was born again, new, filled.

"Today was a beautiful time of reflection. Our morning exercise was to map out the journey that led each of us to where we are now (Each day has been a different question: Day one was "Where are you?" I identified most with worry. Day two was, "How did you get here?"). I got to map out every defining moment, from when I was first aware of You at age five, to being wounded in ways I thought were irreparable, to the shame, the worthlessness, the pain, to the friends who came in and those who walked away, to suicide, to loneliness, to moving churches, to June 13, 2006, to discovering authenticity little by little, to sisters in Christ, to more friends leaving, to more healing, to now, with all the beautiful relationships, to all the talks that now have to be put to action, to the worry that fills my heart about college and what will happen with present relationships. And I realized how beautiful my story is because You are in all of it. Your power overcomes my selfishness. Your healing infiltrates my life. You have used Your servants to inspire me to authenticity. It's beautiful, God. Beautiful because You are beautiful, because You are strong. Why do I worry? Why do I let myself wander? I get so distracted, even by the wonderful blessings in my life. But every moment is Yours. I am not my own. My life is not my own. I am Yours, all Yours. Thank You for my sisters who take time to remind me of simple truth--You've got this, God. You've got me, You've got the relationships I cherish, You've got my family, You've got my call, You've got college. Thank You for on my "birthday" bringing me to my knees and making me fall head-over-heels all over again. As we sang "How He Loves" at the end of service, I began to realize that four years ago I couldn't sing that and believe it. Now it is the anthem of my life. I was drawn to praise as we sang and began weeping as I thanked You. And my heart could not stop praising as I again realized how unworthy I am and how merciful You are. It was, in every way, beautiful.

"You're beautiful, God. I love You. May I love You with all of my life. I surrender to Your call, to Your heart, to You. I am Yours. Have Your way in me. Fill me, empty me, raise me up, bring me low. Whatever the cost, to the glory of Your name. I trust You. I thank You. I love You. Break my heart for what breaks Yours; open the eyes of my heart to Your beauty and to the brokenness around me. You are everything. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I've learned over the years that there is always something worth celebrating. God's goodness transcends the heartaches and the let downs of life. God's goodness should never be forgotten when things are light and easy. This summer has been a beautiful time of reflection on the story God has written of my life thus far, and it has been a time of preparation for the chapters to come. And now to conclude with some Starfield that has resonated with my time of reflection:

Alive in this Moment
It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

Chorus:
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Chorus

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

So Close

This year has been one of the most exciting in my short 18 years. There has been so much change and transition. I feel like I'm constantly moving and doing and trying. There have been so many amazing times and I have so many fond memories but I've realized how easy it is to get caught up in the current of life. Sometimes even good things can be a distraction if my eyes aren't constantly on God.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been absolutely starving for my God. I have thirsted for His presence, for intimacy with Him. Life keeps moving forward and pulling me along and all the time. I just want to put on the breaks and breathe. And then when I have time to breathe I can't handle sitting still so I keep moving. It's as if I'm afraid to stop, afraid of what He might say. But I want to go there, I need to go there.

I haven't had some amazing break through or some moment of clarity. All I know is a burning desperation to be close to the Lover of my soul. I want to get swept away in His love, to drown in His grace, to fill my belly with the things of Him. He is blessing my life in so many ways and I'm so excited about future things and present things, but He is everything.

Oh God, in the midst of all the happenings of life, whisper my name. Call me unto Your heart. Sing over me and draw me to You. Woo me into Your arms. Remind me of how You rescued me from the pit. Consume me and ignite in me a passion for Your people.

And now some words from Bethany Dillon:

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I was wrong, but it takes so much to say it to You
Like a broken husband and wife
Who never talk but share their nights
I’m so close to being so far away from You
I have nothing when I’m living apart from You
Outside, creation groans
To lose our darkness and be made whole

For my feet are close to slipping
Speak to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

Still, I’m so close to being so far away from You
Though I know no one on their own makes it through
My soul clings to the dust
So in Your life, let it be enough

I’m so foolish to believe that I can escape Your love

For my feet were close to slipping
You spoke to my heart in time
You have promised, and I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

You’re so close when I feel far away from You
You’re so close when I feel far away from You

Home

Sometimes I feel like Nemo.

I know it's random, but as I write I'm babysitting (they're in bed; I'm not ignoring them) and the kids wanted to watch "Finding Nemo". And I can't help but relate to the little guy. I like to test the waters, push the boundaries, sometimes ignore what I know is best. And I get myself into a heap of trouble. I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. In trying to prove myself, I get caught up and forget what I wanted to prove in the first place, or why I even needed to prove something. And the next thing I know, I'm miles away from home and fighting like mad to get back.

And sometimes I forget where home is, complicating the journey all the more. I've looked for it in relationships, in places, but it is nowhere to be found in those fleeting human aspects of life. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is only at home in one person, in one place. It still shocks me that after the past few years I still try to prove myself, to prove my worth, by doing things. I continue to throw my heart at things that are not home. What amazes me most, however, is that the Keeper of my home still welcomes me back with open arms. God, the god of Hesed, of covenant faithfulness and loyal love, runs to me even as I run to Him. Even before I realize that I need to turn around, He is already chasing me, already drawing me back. He stops at nothing to reach me, sending people along the way to point me to where the compass of my heart is already pointing.

Sometimes I still feel like the wayward wife. Like a prostitute who has been given a second chance but continues to cheat on the lover of her soul because it is the only life she has ever known. Sometimes this life of authenticity is raw and sucks and it's so much easier to hide in shame because atleast that's familar. And then I come crawling back to Home, to Him. And of course He takes me back like I know He always will, but it's just not the same. We have more crap to sift through. His love is unwavering, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to deal with the consequences of running.

But God's love manifests itself in so many ways. Right now, I'm learning the Father's love, the love that embraces and yet gently reprimands. But with being reprimanded comes a lot of learning, and it leaves me dry and weary. This is a song that has become my prayer through these days of finding Home again:

Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

CHORUS

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

CHORUS

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

New Year, Fresh Start

With being out of school every day of this new year, I haven't really been thinking much about the date. But when I stop to think about it, I get really sentimental. Twenty-ten is a big year for me. Tomorrow is a big day. I will start a new semester of high school for the last time.

Wow.

Every aspect of my life has been influenced by me being a high school student. The way I'm looked at, the way I look at me, the way I look at life, all of it is through the eyes of a high schooler. Praise God, I'm phasing out. But the past four years have been some of the best of my life. I've been blessed with amazing relationships and have had so many moments where I've physically hurt from laughing so hard. And I've dealt with some really hard stuff. I guess it comes from never really being a normal teenager, in good and bad ways. I've been hurt and I've done the hurting.

Looking back, each day has been a learning experience. I've battled the demons of self-hate, selfishness, pride, apathy, lust, distrust, and control. There were days I felt so defeated. Like every decision was a mistake. And some days I felt like I was soaring above it all. And on some days, I knew I was making it. And that was enough.

But more than being defined by my status as a high school student, I've gotten used to being evermore refined and defined as a daughter of God. My defenses have been breached by this crazy God I let in three and a half years ago, and He just won't let me go. I tried to tell Him that I'm not worth it, that He's just wasting His time. But He hasn't given up on me yet. I wonder why with every breath. But He greets me with His love in the most unexpected ways. I can't give up on Him. I'm in love. And so I can't give up on me. And that's been the first thing I've ever loved about myself, the only quality worth mentioning that I actually like about me. I love Him. And loving Him has taught me more about loving myself than loving anyone else ever has. I'm so thankful that, even in my youth, even in my inconsistencies and failures and shortcomings, the Lord has been faithful to raise me up, to mold me, to refine me.

Right now, I'm in the fire. There are times when the flood tosses you around and it's all you can do to stay afloat. And there are times when you are put through the fire, tested in every way. The Lord has been so real. So real in His presence, but also in gently and forcefully reprimanding me. He has revealed areas where I do not live as He has called me to. As a loving father, He has shown me the areas that need His healing and grace. And I have certainly clung to His grace. And satan has said to give up. That I'm not worth the effort. That no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. But the Lord is teaching me to offer myself grace. To settle? Never. But to be patient. It takes time to be refined. It's not like being heated up in the microwave, ten seconds and you're good. It's like refining a precious metal. It takes time and the expertise of the most gifted craftsman to make me more like Christ.

What a way to go into the new year! Broken? Yes. Defeated? No. Like the phoenix, I'm rising out of the ashes. I've got a lot of growing to do. I'm no where near done. And high school isn't over yet. I've got 5 months to soak up. But I walk into this new year, this new semester, this year of so many firsts and lasts, with hope. With a promise that my God will never leave me nor forsake me. That He's not finished yet. And that He loves me enough to see me through to completion.

Now with some words from Switchfoot:
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched (wo)man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

Praise be to God for His grace, for His love, for His consistentcy. His love is better than life, His ways are magnificent and beyond human comprehension. Oh God, through the fire, through the sorrow, through the pain, may my lips glorify Your name. At the end of this, may I stand upon the mountain and say, My God, He proved to be enough. My Savior, He rescued me from myself. My Beloved, He never gave up on me.

My Fingers Got Restless :)

Sometimes I am seized with the urge to write something.

Like right now I have so much swimming in my head that it's almost impossible to ever sit still or sleep or anything. But when I sit down to write, it all flows from some place that I don't know about and touches my fingers and suddenly complete chaos starts to make a little bit of sense. I like these moments. I like feeling like I have infinite things to say. I'm sure you, whoever you are, get quite tired of my ramblings. But I don't write for you so that's okay. :)

I love my fellow writers. When the right words fail me, when description alludes me, there is always someone else in history who can say exactly what I feel. And I feel a little less alone in my complicated thought processes and emotions. Whether it's King David, Shakespeare, Austen, the apostle Paul, Donne, Job, C.S. Lewis, these and more weave sense with their words what life would jumble into chaos.

And the beautiful thing is that none of them, not one of the greats, was ever perfect or would ever claim to be perfect. Which is wonderful because I'm a first-rate screw up. I'm passionate about relationships-that which I suck at-and I'm prone to hurt the ones I love and I do things that I don't mean. And things happen that I don't understand and all the while words fail me and emotions suffocate me until it all wells up inside and my fingers start to shake with tension until it is released with the tapping of keys.

Deep breath.

And these greats, who were not so great, who were average and down to earth and aware of life and reality, these greats help me to see things clearly. It's always okay to question God;He's big enough to handle that. There is always a resolution to the madness. Sometimes even the character who seems to be the worst (myself) gets a second chance. The prize is always worth the pain. One cannot exist without the love of others and God, and cannot give love without God. There are always hardships to test every fiber of your being, but the heart that continues to seek God will find rest. And God can heal even the deepest doubt with His grace, that it may declare His glory to many people.

And now to conclude with some quotes by writers:
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. ~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. ~Ray Bradbury

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. ~Norbet Platt

Ink and paper are sometimes passionate lovers, oftentimes brother and sister, and occasionally mortal enemies. ~Emme Woodhull-Bäche

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. ~Mark Twain

Taking a Step Back

It's so easy to play the "blame game." It's so easy to throw the punches at someone else, to point out someone elses flaws and to get in their face about their problems. It's so much easier to see the way you've been hurt than it is to look yourself in the face and be real about the ways you've done the hurting.

Which is exactly what I've had to do.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been tough. Even writing about it is tough. It's hard to put words to that which proves weakness. But God has been in my face. He's relentless like that. And in the midst of Him healing my wounds and giving me the strength to stand and giving me a confidence that can come only from Him, He's been holding a mirror in front of my face. He and I see what no one else sees. Scars hidden behind walls, hidden behind veils, hidden behind masks. Hurts that have been brushed under the bed. He's been calling them out one by one and covering each one with His healing blood; with His redeeming, graceful love.

But as He has peeled back the layers, He has shown me the consequences of my wounds. Sure, I've known my imperfections for a very long time. I know my moods, my attitudes, my intentions, my slips of the tongue, my temper. But it took being treated as I have treated others to realize that hurt people hurt others, and that's exactly what I've done.

It's a humbling moment when you realize the cycle of death. Someone hurts you, so you build up fortified walls and hurt someone else before they hurt you, so they strike back out of their hurt. The vicious cycle goes on and on until we as a people and I as a person end up in the present predicament of a hurt world and a hurt heart.

The Lord has been faithful to heal the hurts that have been inflicted on me. As I said in a previous blog, He has sent away my accusers and no one stands before me with stones. But I have thrown stones. I have spoken accusations--and I have been humbled by the same God who turned away my accusers.

I've had to make reparations.

I swore I'd done enough. I thought the blame was rightfully placed. I would take on some and they would take on some and we'd call it even. But that logic does not work with matters of the heart. Only authenticity with those who've hurt and whom you've hurt can begin the healing process.

What a sweet victory in the day when the Lord humbled me to such a place that I could be open with my sisters once more. I could tell my story, I could speak of the heartache I've had. And I could be real about the stones I've thrown at them. By the grace of God I was humbled to sincerity, ripped of every wall, and made authentic to those who deserved to hear all that God in His grace has delivered me from. It was draining and rough and hard. It was only the first step in a long line of reparations. It was opposed by the enemy. But another chain dropped that day in this one-by-one process toward freedom in Christ.

Father, thank You for Your love. Thank You for taking me into the depths of Your heart and showing me that my righteousness can only be found in You. Thank You for truly establishing my identity in You. When I have no where else to run, I run to You, and that's a beautiful thing. But thank You for challenging me. Thank You for being real with me and for making me see how desperate I am for Your grace. Thank You for allowing me the opportunity to be authentic once more and thank You for the ways You will continue to break down walls and bring healing. God, do in me what you desire, for I am Yours and I realize how desperately I need You because I fall short in so many ways. But continue to pour out Your grace on me. Continue to awaken my heart to Your love. May I fall evermore in love with You, Savior.

To Be Reminded

I think God is quirky.

He has this way of randomly dragging me back into His graceful arms. He uses little things. Like random Facebook conversations.

A friend and I had a conversation several months ago after we'd watched "Hotel Rwanda". I remember I cried all the way home because I was so sad and so angry. But we got on Facebook and started chatting, and suddenly we went from talking about heartaches and battles to the goodness of God and of His love for us. We talked about wanting to be used to change people's lives through the love of God and we wanted to share it with everybody.

Now flash forward several months.

I've been living defeated. Satan has been kicking me while I'm down and I'm letting him. I have given in to this idea that maybe I'm not so useful to God's work after all. I've had a hard time accepting that my friends love me, and I've had a hard time running into my loving Father's arms because of pride.

The most convicting parts of the chat?

My friend said, "The battles will just bring you closer. And when you do the Lord's work, you will battle because satan doesn't want you to speak up."

My response? "But like you said. They only draw us closer. And then you laugh in satan's face because he's powerless against God."

Oh me of little faith.

I have not been laughing.

I have been miserable. Stressed. Downright pissy. Giving in to every temptation to act like I'm defeated.

Punch in the gut number two: I said, "(God's love) has blown my mind since day one. But it's there and I can't live without it. And now I've fallen completely head over heals for Him and there's absolutely no turning back even when times are tough."

What am I doing???

The same God who swept me off my feet is the same God who is calling me to claim HIS victory even now, even in the valley where the mountain seems so far off but my Rock is standing right next to me. The same God who poured His love out on me is calling me to seek His steadfast love and not try to rely on my human love to carry out what He has called me to do and what He alone can provide for. The God who has wooed me, captured my attention, captivated my heart, He's the God who freed the Israelites from slavery and who rescued Gomer from her promiscuity and who raised Jesus from the dead. This same God is calling me to live in freedom, to walk every step with Him.

And I'm struggling with apathy.

I have no reason to. No reason to feel anything less than holy passion and love and desire for a God who abounds in mercy and grace and who overwhelms me with the beauty of His creation, His people, and most importantly His heart. But I'm human. I don't always realize or acknowledge how good I've got it.

But His grace covers me.

When I lack desire, He makes me hungry for Him. When I lack motivation, He ignites a fire within my heart. And when I fake myself out and say I'm giving God my authentic love but am really holding back, He demands everything and won't let me rest until my mouth matches up with my heart.

I'm so thankful for the reminder that I received tonight. The same God who inspires conversations that lift up His name inspires even the weariest heart into worship and selfless, abandoned following.

This is a prayer that I read in a book called "Crazy Love". I didn't write it, but I'm claiming it as mine.

Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. Oh God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise up and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long.