It's been way too long...

I think it's safe to say that my life has been, at best, tumultuous for the past few months. God has asked for my obedience and devoted trust in some scary areas. I have stayed working with teenagers because last semester He made it clear to me that I'm supposed to be ministering to them for now. He hasn't made the later part clear, just the now part. It's one of the scariest things I've ever done and plays on my insecurities like none other. He also asked for my obedience in seeking healing. He made it very clear that I have reached a road block and He is choosing to take me around it through counseling. So I signed myself up all but kicking and screaming (on the inside, of course, because I have to be put together on the outside) and I have hated it since I started.

The funny thing about counseling is that it's not someone else telling you what your problems are. It's another person facilitating your thought processes as you work through the madness of the past. It's one of the best things I have ever done because it has brought so much clarity into so much chaos.

But it's scary. It's scary to uncover what I tried so hard to hide even from myself. It's scary to have emotions that I have run from for years resurfacing, because the last time I felt them I was completely alone.

On top of counseling, I have been reading Beth Moore's "So Long, Insecurity". I just got through the chapter on the multiple root causes of insecurity that women carry because life happens and people are fallen. At the end of the chapter, Moore quoted her daughter when a particularly challenging experience came up for the two of them:

"He knows it's scary to be us."

I couldn't move on to the next sentence before my eyes got blurry with tears. I've had such a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that God is love and He is sovereign, but He still lets things that hurt us happen. I have had a hard time reconciling my faith and my pain. But that statement, so full of truth, delivered God's compassion to my hurting heart. He knows it's scary to be us. He knows the insecurity I carry because of my mistakes, He knows the insecurity I carry because of other's mistakes. He knows the insecurity I carry because life is unpredictable, and He knows I walk around with a shield waiting for the next blow, not being able to enjoy the moment for fear of the next, which could turn out to be earth-shattering.

He knows.

He knows because He walks with us. He knows because at every scarring moment He was right there with me. He knows because His love won't let Him turn away. He knew what was happening and He knows what will happen, but that doesn't change Him or His nature or His love or His ability to redeem, and it doesn't change His capacity to offer compassion and to walk through the pain with me. He knows how scared I feel right now. He knows that I fear being alone. He knows that it is scary to be human and to face the uncertainty of tomorrow. But He is always, always there to walk with us and to offer Himself in our time of need.

A Time to be Thankful

Tonight I was sitting with one of my new friends in a coffee shop on campus, and she challenged me and our other friend to fill up a note card with all the things we were thankful for. It really got me thinking. I don't stop enough to focus on all the blessings God has already poured out before I ask for more. But He is a good God and there is always something to be thankful for in His arms.

God, thank you for

Redemption

Love

Rescuing me

My sister

Supportive parents

A good man and friend

The ability to think

The gift of teaching

A desire for God's heart

Chocolate

Fall nights

Sweet kisses

Hot tea

Talks with my grandma

Cousins who adore me

Friends who love me for me

My fun winter coats

Puppy therapy in the dorm

New friends

Grace

Sunny days

The sense of accomplishment at the end of the trail

Laughing so hard I cry

Crying so hard I laugh

Heart to heart talks

When God draws near

Paper and pen

The ability to weave words

A heart that sees beauty

Hesed-the covenant faithfulness of God

Coffee

Slow dancing

Girl talk

Silliness

C.S. Lewis's writing

Black and blue butterflies

Discernment

Forgiveness

McConn

The hard times that make me thankful

"She did what she could"

I am a recovering individualist. These past few months I have been the center of the universe. Well, at least in my own eyes. I have lived like I could carry my life and my relationships on my own, and I failed. I let pride rule my heart, and took on things with an attitude of, "I've got this, God. I'm a good Christian. I can handle it." And when I found out that what I thought I'd be doing with my life wasn't where God was leading me, I got angry because I wanted so badly to be right just to please my own ego. I began to cling to people instead of allowing God to source me because I was so frustrated with Him and wanted to prove that I was good enough. I let other things in my life take His rightful place; I took His rightful place. And I failed. And I am so okay with that. Because at the end of the day, no matter how centered around myself I was, my heart was desperately crying out to God to be the center again. I knew that I was building up walls against people and against God that would eventually crumble. I knew that nothing would satisfy until my heart was satisfied in Him.

Today, I woke up knowing that He is God and I am not, and that is a beautiful thing. He has richly blessed me, and I began my day knowing that my God redeems the broken things of our lives. The things I messed up He can restore. And I am so at peace in who I am. He has changed my attitude from me, me, me to one of pure surrender and peace, pure satisfaction in His arms. And I am able to look on my relationships and situations and future and rest in His amazing blessings and in the knowledge that He is in control. I am so thankful for those who have shown me God's grace in such a time of selfishness. They poured out His love and truth on me as God gently humbled me. And I am so glad to know that all is right in my world because God is in the center of it.

Today in chapel we celebrated the life of an alumnus who graduated from IWU in 2000. She was killed in August by the Taliban in Afghanistan. I was touched by the stories of her selfless faith and sweet surrender to whatever God had for her life. In her time at IWU she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life but ended up working as a humanitarian, teaching nutrition to the women and children in that country. As one of the speakers talked about Cheryl's life, he reminded us of the woman who poured out perfume on Jesus' feet (Matthew 26: 6-13). As her intentions are questioned, Jesus says, "She did what she could." I was so struck by those few words. She did what she could. So often we walk around debating the meaning of our lives, when in a moment it can all end. I was captivated by Cheryl's deep faith, and more so the way she lived what she believed by doing everything she could to pour out Christ's love on people in whatever walk of life she was in.

God has called me; of that I am certain. But there is something beautiful in the mystery. Not in waiting around for some sign in the sky, but in following His heart with abandon and living in the freedom He has called me to, in seeing the people around me with His eyes and being so moved that I have to do something about the injustice of the world. I will have my own Afghanistan, a place and a people that God breaks my heart for. But right now, I simply desire to walk in obedience to Him, to soak up every relationship He has blessed me with, and to make sure that He stays at the center of my universe, because that is exactly where He belongs. But the prayer of my life is that when I walk from this life into the next, it will be said of me, "She did what she could." She poured out her life for others. She lived with abandon. She took risks and opened up her heart. She loved richly and truly, not for selfish gain but because God loved through her. May God, not myself, be glorified through every breath I breathe.

Something Worth Celebrating

The summer is always special to me. I get to have some of the best adventures with my friends and family and I always walk away amazed at how blessed each summer is. For the past few years, though, one day has stood out. I've wanted to share an excerpt from my journal from that day this year, but I haven't been on the computer much lately. It's written as a prayer and is simply my heart. So, from June 13:

"Beloved Savior,
It's so hard to believe that it's been four years since I realized that You love me, since You grabbed hold of my heart. I still remember that moment vividly. I had my hands to my cheeks and the camp speaker was describing Your love. And suddenly it was Your hands, suddenly You had this tight, clenched grip on my heart. I could hardly breathe. The tears started rolling as You said, "Devin, I love you." And You drew my heart to its knees and I believed. I knew. It wasn't a camp high; it changed everything. I still had wounds, deep wounds. But I was loved. And that gave me hope. That gave me an unshakable joy. I knew I'd be alright because You loved me. My heart was born again, new, filled.

"Today was a beautiful time of reflection. Our morning exercise was to map out the journey that led each of us to where we are now (Each day has been a different question: Day one was "Where are you?" I identified most with worry. Day two was, "How did you get here?"). I got to map out every defining moment, from when I was first aware of You at age five, to being wounded in ways I thought were irreparable, to the shame, the worthlessness, the pain, to the friends who came in and those who walked away, to suicide, to loneliness, to moving churches, to June 13, 2006, to discovering authenticity little by little, to sisters in Christ, to more friends leaving, to more healing, to now, with all the beautiful relationships, to all the talks that now have to be put to action, to the worry that fills my heart about college and what will happen with present relationships. And I realized how beautiful my story is because You are in all of it. Your power overcomes my selfishness. Your healing infiltrates my life. You have used Your servants to inspire me to authenticity. It's beautiful, God. Beautiful because You are beautiful, because You are strong. Why do I worry? Why do I let myself wander? I get so distracted, even by the wonderful blessings in my life. But every moment is Yours. I am not my own. My life is not my own. I am Yours, all Yours. Thank You for my sisters who take time to remind me of simple truth--You've got this, God. You've got me, You've got the relationships I cherish, You've got my family, You've got my call, You've got college. Thank You for on my "birthday" bringing me to my knees and making me fall head-over-heels all over again. As we sang "How He Loves" at the end of service, I began to realize that four years ago I couldn't sing that and believe it. Now it is the anthem of my life. I was drawn to praise as we sang and began weeping as I thanked You. And my heart could not stop praising as I again realized how unworthy I am and how merciful You are. It was, in every way, beautiful.

"You're beautiful, God. I love You. May I love You with all of my life. I surrender to Your call, to Your heart, to You. I am Yours. Have Your way in me. Fill me, empty me, raise me up, bring me low. Whatever the cost, to the glory of Your name. I trust You. I thank You. I love You. Break my heart for what breaks Yours; open the eyes of my heart to Your beauty and to the brokenness around me. You are everything. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I've learned over the years that there is always something worth celebrating. God's goodness transcends the heartaches and the let downs of life. God's goodness should never be forgotten when things are light and easy. This summer has been a beautiful time of reflection on the story God has written of my life thus far, and it has been a time of preparation for the chapters to come. And now to conclude with some Starfield that has resonated with my time of reflection:

Alive in this Moment
It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

Chorus:
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Chorus

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

So Close

This year has been one of the most exciting in my short 18 years. There has been so much change and transition. I feel like I'm constantly moving and doing and trying. There have been so many amazing times and I have so many fond memories but I've realized how easy it is to get caught up in the current of life. Sometimes even good things can be a distraction if my eyes aren't constantly on God.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been absolutely starving for my God. I have thirsted for His presence, for intimacy with Him. Life keeps moving forward and pulling me along and all the time. I just want to put on the breaks and breathe. And then when I have time to breathe I can't handle sitting still so I keep moving. It's as if I'm afraid to stop, afraid of what He might say. But I want to go there, I need to go there.

I haven't had some amazing break through or some moment of clarity. All I know is a burning desperation to be close to the Lover of my soul. I want to get swept away in His love, to drown in His grace, to fill my belly with the things of Him. He is blessing my life in so many ways and I'm so excited about future things and present things, but He is everything.

Oh God, in the midst of all the happenings of life, whisper my name. Call me unto Your heart. Sing over me and draw me to You. Woo me into Your arms. Remind me of how You rescued me from the pit. Consume me and ignite in me a passion for Your people.

And now some words from Bethany Dillon:

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I was wrong, but it takes so much to say it to You
Like a broken husband and wife
Who never talk but share their nights
I’m so close to being so far away from You
I have nothing when I’m living apart from You
Outside, creation groans
To lose our darkness and be made whole

For my feet are close to slipping
Speak to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

Still, I’m so close to being so far away from You
Though I know no one on their own makes it through
My soul clings to the dust
So in Your life, let it be enough

I’m so foolish to believe that I can escape Your love

For my feet were close to slipping
You spoke to my heart in time
You have promised, and I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

You’re so close when I feel far away from You
You’re so close when I feel far away from You

Home

Sometimes I feel like Nemo.

I know it's random, but as I write I'm babysitting (they're in bed; I'm not ignoring them) and the kids wanted to watch "Finding Nemo". And I can't help but relate to the little guy. I like to test the waters, push the boundaries, sometimes ignore what I know is best. And I get myself into a heap of trouble. I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. In trying to prove myself, I get caught up and forget what I wanted to prove in the first place, or why I even needed to prove something. And the next thing I know, I'm miles away from home and fighting like mad to get back.

And sometimes I forget where home is, complicating the journey all the more. I've looked for it in relationships, in places, but it is nowhere to be found in those fleeting human aspects of life. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is only at home in one person, in one place. It still shocks me that after the past few years I still try to prove myself, to prove my worth, by doing things. I continue to throw my heart at things that are not home. What amazes me most, however, is that the Keeper of my home still welcomes me back with open arms. God, the god of Hesed, of covenant faithfulness and loyal love, runs to me even as I run to Him. Even before I realize that I need to turn around, He is already chasing me, already drawing me back. He stops at nothing to reach me, sending people along the way to point me to where the compass of my heart is already pointing.

Sometimes I still feel like the wayward wife. Like a prostitute who has been given a second chance but continues to cheat on the lover of her soul because it is the only life she has ever known. Sometimes this life of authenticity is raw and sucks and it's so much easier to hide in shame because atleast that's familar. And then I come crawling back to Home, to Him. And of course He takes me back like I know He always will, but it's just not the same. We have more crap to sift through. His love is unwavering, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to deal with the consequences of running.

But God's love manifests itself in so many ways. Right now, I'm learning the Father's love, the love that embraces and yet gently reprimands. But with being reprimanded comes a lot of learning, and it leaves me dry and weary. This is a song that has become my prayer through these days of finding Home again:

Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

CHORUS

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

CHORUS

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

New Year, Fresh Start

With being out of school every day of this new year, I haven't really been thinking much about the date. But when I stop to think about it, I get really sentimental. Twenty-ten is a big year for me. Tomorrow is a big day. I will start a new semester of high school for the last time.

Wow.

Every aspect of my life has been influenced by me being a high school student. The way I'm looked at, the way I look at me, the way I look at life, all of it is through the eyes of a high schooler. Praise God, I'm phasing out. But the past four years have been some of the best of my life. I've been blessed with amazing relationships and have had so many moments where I've physically hurt from laughing so hard. And I've dealt with some really hard stuff. I guess it comes from never really being a normal teenager, in good and bad ways. I've been hurt and I've done the hurting.

Looking back, each day has been a learning experience. I've battled the demons of self-hate, selfishness, pride, apathy, lust, distrust, and control. There were days I felt so defeated. Like every decision was a mistake. And some days I felt like I was soaring above it all. And on some days, I knew I was making it. And that was enough.

But more than being defined by my status as a high school student, I've gotten used to being evermore refined and defined as a daughter of God. My defenses have been breached by this crazy God I let in three and a half years ago, and He just won't let me go. I tried to tell Him that I'm not worth it, that He's just wasting His time. But He hasn't given up on me yet. I wonder why with every breath. But He greets me with His love in the most unexpected ways. I can't give up on Him. I'm in love. And so I can't give up on me. And that's been the first thing I've ever loved about myself, the only quality worth mentioning that I actually like about me. I love Him. And loving Him has taught me more about loving myself than loving anyone else ever has. I'm so thankful that, even in my youth, even in my inconsistencies and failures and shortcomings, the Lord has been faithful to raise me up, to mold me, to refine me.

Right now, I'm in the fire. There are times when the flood tosses you around and it's all you can do to stay afloat. And there are times when you are put through the fire, tested in every way. The Lord has been so real. So real in His presence, but also in gently and forcefully reprimanding me. He has revealed areas where I do not live as He has called me to. As a loving father, He has shown me the areas that need His healing and grace. And I have certainly clung to His grace. And satan has said to give up. That I'm not worth the effort. That no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. But the Lord is teaching me to offer myself grace. To settle? Never. But to be patient. It takes time to be refined. It's not like being heated up in the microwave, ten seconds and you're good. It's like refining a precious metal. It takes time and the expertise of the most gifted craftsman to make me more like Christ.

What a way to go into the new year! Broken? Yes. Defeated? No. Like the phoenix, I'm rising out of the ashes. I've got a lot of growing to do. I'm no where near done. And high school isn't over yet. I've got 5 months to soak up. But I walk into this new year, this new semester, this year of so many firsts and lasts, with hope. With a promise that my God will never leave me nor forsake me. That He's not finished yet. And that He loves me enough to see me through to completion.

Now with some words from Switchfoot:
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched (wo)man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

Praise be to God for His grace, for His love, for His consistentcy. His love is better than life, His ways are magnificent and beyond human comprehension. Oh God, through the fire, through the sorrow, through the pain, may my lips glorify Your name. At the end of this, may I stand upon the mountain and say, My God, He proved to be enough. My Savior, He rescued me from myself. My Beloved, He never gave up on me.

My Fingers Got Restless :)

Sometimes I am seized with the urge to write something.

Like right now I have so much swimming in my head that it's almost impossible to ever sit still or sleep or anything. But when I sit down to write, it all flows from some place that I don't know about and touches my fingers and suddenly complete chaos starts to make a little bit of sense. I like these moments. I like feeling like I have infinite things to say. I'm sure you, whoever you are, get quite tired of my ramblings. But I don't write for you so that's okay. :)

I love my fellow writers. When the right words fail me, when description alludes me, there is always someone else in history who can say exactly what I feel. And I feel a little less alone in my complicated thought processes and emotions. Whether it's King David, Shakespeare, Austen, the apostle Paul, Donne, Job, C.S. Lewis, these and more weave sense with their words what life would jumble into chaos.

And the beautiful thing is that none of them, not one of the greats, was ever perfect or would ever claim to be perfect. Which is wonderful because I'm a first-rate screw up. I'm passionate about relationships-that which I suck at-and I'm prone to hurt the ones I love and I do things that I don't mean. And things happen that I don't understand and all the while words fail me and emotions suffocate me until it all wells up inside and my fingers start to shake with tension until it is released with the tapping of keys.

Deep breath.

And these greats, who were not so great, who were average and down to earth and aware of life and reality, these greats help me to see things clearly. It's always okay to question God;He's big enough to handle that. There is always a resolution to the madness. Sometimes even the character who seems to be the worst (myself) gets a second chance. The prize is always worth the pain. One cannot exist without the love of others and God, and cannot give love without God. There are always hardships to test every fiber of your being, but the heart that continues to seek God will find rest. And God can heal even the deepest doubt with His grace, that it may declare His glory to many people.

And now to conclude with some quotes by writers:
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. ~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. ~Ray Bradbury

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. ~Norbet Platt

Ink and paper are sometimes passionate lovers, oftentimes brother and sister, and occasionally mortal enemies. ~Emme Woodhull-Bäche

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. ~Mark Twain

Taking a Step Back

It's so easy to play the "blame game." It's so easy to throw the punches at someone else, to point out someone elses flaws and to get in their face about their problems. It's so much easier to see the way you've been hurt than it is to look yourself in the face and be real about the ways you've done the hurting.

Which is exactly what I've had to do.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been tough. Even writing about it is tough. It's hard to put words to that which proves weakness. But God has been in my face. He's relentless like that. And in the midst of Him healing my wounds and giving me the strength to stand and giving me a confidence that can come only from Him, He's been holding a mirror in front of my face. He and I see what no one else sees. Scars hidden behind walls, hidden behind veils, hidden behind masks. Hurts that have been brushed under the bed. He's been calling them out one by one and covering each one with His healing blood; with His redeeming, graceful love.

But as He has peeled back the layers, He has shown me the consequences of my wounds. Sure, I've known my imperfections for a very long time. I know my moods, my attitudes, my intentions, my slips of the tongue, my temper. But it took being treated as I have treated others to realize that hurt people hurt others, and that's exactly what I've done.

It's a humbling moment when you realize the cycle of death. Someone hurts you, so you build up fortified walls and hurt someone else before they hurt you, so they strike back out of their hurt. The vicious cycle goes on and on until we as a people and I as a person end up in the present predicament of a hurt world and a hurt heart.

The Lord has been faithful to heal the hurts that have been inflicted on me. As I said in a previous blog, He has sent away my accusers and no one stands before me with stones. But I have thrown stones. I have spoken accusations--and I have been humbled by the same God who turned away my accusers.

I've had to make reparations.

I swore I'd done enough. I thought the blame was rightfully placed. I would take on some and they would take on some and we'd call it even. But that logic does not work with matters of the heart. Only authenticity with those who've hurt and whom you've hurt can begin the healing process.

What a sweet victory in the day when the Lord humbled me to such a place that I could be open with my sisters once more. I could tell my story, I could speak of the heartache I've had. And I could be real about the stones I've thrown at them. By the grace of God I was humbled to sincerity, ripped of every wall, and made authentic to those who deserved to hear all that God in His grace has delivered me from. It was draining and rough and hard. It was only the first step in a long line of reparations. It was opposed by the enemy. But another chain dropped that day in this one-by-one process toward freedom in Christ.

Father, thank You for Your love. Thank You for taking me into the depths of Your heart and showing me that my righteousness can only be found in You. Thank You for truly establishing my identity in You. When I have no where else to run, I run to You, and that's a beautiful thing. But thank You for challenging me. Thank You for being real with me and for making me see how desperate I am for Your grace. Thank You for allowing me the opportunity to be authentic once more and thank You for the ways You will continue to break down walls and bring healing. God, do in me what you desire, for I am Yours and I realize how desperately I need You because I fall short in so many ways. But continue to pour out Your grace on me. Continue to awaken my heart to Your love. May I fall evermore in love with You, Savior.

To Be Reminded

I think God is quirky.

He has this way of randomly dragging me back into His graceful arms. He uses little things. Like random Facebook conversations.

A friend and I had a conversation several months ago after we'd watched "Hotel Rwanda". I remember I cried all the way home because I was so sad and so angry. But we got on Facebook and started chatting, and suddenly we went from talking about heartaches and battles to the goodness of God and of His love for us. We talked about wanting to be used to change people's lives through the love of God and we wanted to share it with everybody.

Now flash forward several months.

I've been living defeated. Satan has been kicking me while I'm down and I'm letting him. I have given in to this idea that maybe I'm not so useful to God's work after all. I've had a hard time accepting that my friends love me, and I've had a hard time running into my loving Father's arms because of pride.

The most convicting parts of the chat?

My friend said, "The battles will just bring you closer. And when you do the Lord's work, you will battle because satan doesn't want you to speak up."

My response? "But like you said. They only draw us closer. And then you laugh in satan's face because he's powerless against God."

Oh me of little faith.

I have not been laughing.

I have been miserable. Stressed. Downright pissy. Giving in to every temptation to act like I'm defeated.

Punch in the gut number two: I said, "(God's love) has blown my mind since day one. But it's there and I can't live without it. And now I've fallen completely head over heals for Him and there's absolutely no turning back even when times are tough."

What am I doing???

The same God who swept me off my feet is the same God who is calling me to claim HIS victory even now, even in the valley where the mountain seems so far off but my Rock is standing right next to me. The same God who poured His love out on me is calling me to seek His steadfast love and not try to rely on my human love to carry out what He has called me to do and what He alone can provide for. The God who has wooed me, captured my attention, captivated my heart, He's the God who freed the Israelites from slavery and who rescued Gomer from her promiscuity and who raised Jesus from the dead. This same God is calling me to live in freedom, to walk every step with Him.

And I'm struggling with apathy.

I have no reason to. No reason to feel anything less than holy passion and love and desire for a God who abounds in mercy and grace and who overwhelms me with the beauty of His creation, His people, and most importantly His heart. But I'm human. I don't always realize or acknowledge how good I've got it.

But His grace covers me.

When I lack desire, He makes me hungry for Him. When I lack motivation, He ignites a fire within my heart. And when I fake myself out and say I'm giving God my authentic love but am really holding back, He demands everything and won't let me rest until my mouth matches up with my heart.

I'm so thankful for the reminder that I received tonight. The same God who inspires conversations that lift up His name inspires even the weariest heart into worship and selfless, abandoned following.

This is a prayer that I read in a book called "Crazy Love". I didn't write it, but I'm claiming it as mine.

Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. Oh God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise up and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long.

On Being a Friend

Sometimes I just want to slap people.

Other times, I just want to wrap my arms around them and tell them that everything will be okay.

When my friends hurt, I hurt. It kills me to see them in pain. I just want to fix it. What hurts me even more is to see them inflict pain on themselves. Because then their worst enemy is themself. And I can't help someone who doesn't want help.

Then I got to thinking. And it truly was a Jesus moment. If my heart bleeds for a hurting, broken friend, how much more does God's heart hurt? How much more does God's heart break?

Sometimes I just want my friends to see my love. I just want them to realize that someone really does care.

I want my friends to recognize the light at the end of the tunnel.

Healing is possible.

Restoration and freedom is real.

Hope is not futile.

Love conquers even the deepest pain.

And as I was thinking about all I wished I could do, all I wished they could see, Jesus reminded me of His love. That any love I have to give is minute compared to His. I would die for my loved ones. He did die for His loved ones, and even the ones who don't love Him.

He desires to wrap His children in His arms and whisper His love to them. He wants us to see His great and infinite love and tender care.

He wants us to see the light that is coming for those who trust in Him.

He wants His people to find deep healing and wholeness, but that only comes from one Person.

He longs for us to see Him as our Savior, our Rescue. He can restore even the most broken of spirits, rescue the bound and beaten prisoner.

He wants us to hope in Him, for us to find all of our longings fulfilled in His deep heart.

He has won the victory. He desires us to live as conquerors in His love.

I can't save my friends. I can't force people to see truth, to see God's love and grace, to see His call on their lives. But I can allow Him to work in my own. I can allow Him to break down my walls, open my heart, and I can live. I can find healing and wholeness in Him, choose to see the light that is near, choose to let Him break my chains, choose to hope in Him when satan whispers to give up. I can claim the victory that I fight so hard for but that has already been won. I can rest in my Savior, the Bearer of all peace and the Giver of life and the Healer of broken hearts.

I can show my friends that Jesus is in the business of restoring lives. That is my call. God is quite capable of all the rest and will use me however He sees is best.

Beloved, I know that the love I have for my friends is nothing compared to Yours. Forgive me for trying to carry their burdens on my own. You alone can handle that. And while I am called to walk through life with them, I cannot play god and fool myself into thinking that I can do things that only You can do. Forgive me for not surrendering them to You, for hating myself when I fall short, for getting frustrated with them when my efforts go ignored. Only You can melt hearts, only You can bring restoration and healing. So I surrender them to You, knowing full well that You can take much better care of them than I ever could. Show me how to be a friend who points others to You.

Honestly

Honestly, I had a craptastic weekend.

I'd rather just forget about it. Forget that all weekend I felt like a knife was twisting in my heart as I felt ignored. Invisible. Cast aside. Rejected.

Melodramatic? Honestly, no. I'm blunt enough with myself to be able to know when I'm just being emotional. And when it's legit.

How in the world am I supposed to cope with the fact that I no longer have a place of safety? That the place I could call home is no longer safe? How does one deal when best friends are no where to be found? When sisters are silent? When the tears just won't stop flowing because my worst fears have come true?

I've been through stuff I would never in a million years wish on my worst enemy. I've kept the pain and the secrets locked up. Hid the key where no one could find it. I swore I'd never tell a soul. Because then they'd reject me. For sure the truth would be seen that I was unlovable. If anyone knew, they'd see me worthy of condemnation. The equivalent of dirt. Not fit for life. These feelings surfaced over the weekend. But they are the lies satan has whispered to me for years. Since I was about 10. So I've strived to hide it all and pretend like I'm unscathed, pretend like I can't be touched.

But that's not who I am. I am by nature relational. I love being open, catching those little glimpses of myself, of the heart that lies behind the walls. And I've been able to open up to an extent. I told people when I swore it'd be my secret for life. Isn't that enough?

No. Because now comes the hard part. Now comes the healing.

I don't have to heal. I could live like I've been living for the past 7 years. But that's not good enough. Honestly, I want more. I'm tired. My heart needs to be free. Telling someone has opened the prison door. But the shackles are still on my wrists, reminding me that I need more. Reminding me that my God is in the process of removing each link until I am free. And that takes time. And honesty.

So this weekend, in the midst of all the craptasticness, God met me on a path in the woods. He took me to a place I fear. Into myself. To be honest. To come clean. To be real. And it hurt.

But honestly, I wouldn't have traded that moment for a better weekend.

He reminded me that in Jesus, the accusations are null and void. In John 8:3-11, an adulteress is brought before Jesus. As He is questioned about what should be done, He simply says, "He who is without sin should cast the first stone."

My accusers have no authority.

He looks at the woman, looks at me, and asks, "Woman, where are your accusers now? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir."

Realization.

"Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."

A declaration of freedom.

Honestly, I have no excuse to hold myself back from God. Honestly, it's time to heal.

And honestly, I'm going to keep my heart open.

It was something my dad said tonight. He was telling me about the weekend that he and my mom spent with the one percenter biker clubs at an event that would cause a coronary in many of today's "Christians". Bikers for Christ had a booth set up there. In the middle of the drunks. In the middle of the bike games and stripper poles and bawdy entertainment.

Right where Jesus would have sat.

And Dad said they didn't have many people come over to the booth. Not many people wanted to talk about God. But they showed a level of respect that not even Billy Graham would receive. The topless bike games were changed to include tops because of the proximity of the BFC booth. The nearby bathrooms were kept clean, and the men and women alike of BFC were respected.

Even if their presence wasn't acknowledged by everyone, Dad said he still knew that people didn't mind the group being there. That most welcomed them. These so called heathens welcomed a completely different group from themselves into their midst. And their presence was appreciated.

I could back down. I could step away and try to find a new nitch. A new place of safety.

But God isn't safe. Or comfortable. Ministry sucks and not everyone wants you around. Not even the Church. But my hope and prayer is that in the midst of all I'm dealing with, my authentic, open, healing heart will be used to inspire others deeper into the heart of God.

And honestly, that's worth it.

Maybe one day I'll be able to write about what happened.

No.

One day I will be able to.

God, keep opening my heart and breaking down the walls. I've told You that all of me is Yours. Now when it comes time to test that, I pray that You would give me the strength to surrender. To live like I'm Yours. To truly be Yours.

Fear

Fear.

Four letters. A short, frequently used word. And it has completely wreaked havoc in my heart.

I'm coping in my head and heart with the fact that I'm weak. I'm human. And I'll always be human and subject to lots of mess ups.

But I'm terrified to show my weakness.

I'm terrified to admit that I don't have it all together, that I'm hurting, that I've never felt so alone. Terrified to tell people that this past Sunday was the first in almost a month that I haven't cried. Afraid to tell someone that last Wednesday I cried all the way home from a friend's house after church.

It's one thing to write it out on here. I don't write for someone else. This is purely me coping with what's going on in my life. I don't see the faces of the few who read what I write.

And I like that.

I can't find it in me to tell the people who have walked through life with me for the past several years that I'm struggling and that I need so much more than words. I long to have their presence. But I don't know if I'll get it. I don't know if they'll come through. Am I willing to risk that?

What if God is telling me to? To risk disappointment? To be vulnerable? That thought alone is enough to turn my stomach. I'm supposed to go on a retreat this weekend. And my pride is screaming to not go. Don't risk it. It's not worth it. They aren't worth it.

But it is. And they are.

Because even if they don't come through. Even if my heart goes unheard. Even if no one stands beside me.

My God is enough. He always comes through. He hears my heart. He stands beside me.

And saying that is hard. Believing that removes all my excuses to hold my fear around me like a security blanket. Living that out, actually putting it into practice, requires everything.

I'm still reading Captivating. And I'm learning from it. And I'm seeing that to live in the Lord is to have a heart that is at rest. A heart that is content in Him. Living in Him is to possess a heart of true beauty, of authenticity; a heart that lacks striving.

And past all my fears and doubts, my soul thirsts for His life, for His healing. And He calls me to be vulnerable. To open up my heart and in the midst of all the fear of rejection and of being invisible to be authentic. I don't want to hide or be a bearer of chaos. I desire His peace. And it comes through living with an open heart.

And I may be ignored. But. My God is enough. And really learning that, really living that, is hard. But I've come too far to go back to looking to people to be my source. His grace is enough. And I need to be able to stand on that.

Oh God, I'm swimming in fear, but you are so much bigger than any of it. You are the God who is calling me to healing and reliance on You. You don't wish heartbreak or sadness on me. You use the crappy aspects of life to hedge me in and draw me to You. Thank You, God, for being willing to go to any length to save my soul. Help me to cast aside everything that holds me back. May I be so rooted and sourced in You that the relationships in my life are just overflow. May the true source come from You. I surrender my fear and all else that holds me back. Into Your arms I'm falling.

Weak

God cares more about our character than our comfort. That's an almost impossible reality to accept. And yet it's been smacking me in the face.

I have fallen victim to this thing called pride. It disguises itself as comfort, as vanity or confidence, as false strength, as a number of seemingly harmless things. But it creeps in. In little passing thoughts, in intentions, in words. And I've seen the ways I hold myself on a pedestal. And I've fallen hard, only to be reminded of my humanity. Only to be reminded that I am not enough.

Talk about a reality check.

So where do I go from here? How do I pick myself back up? How do I attempt to continue when I've fallen so far and screwed up so many relationships and lost perspective? How do I heal as old wounds are ripped open? How do I have confidence in the woman God has called me to be when satan attacks my feminine heart and seeks to tear me down? And how do I turn to God when the last drops of pride say to rely only on myself? How do I seek His heart when all I want to do is hide my own?

And yet. Here I am. Fallen in the dirt. Most everyone I believed in are distant, moving on, or I've pushed them away. I have none of the strength I prided myself in having. All the ideas and things I've believed are just ideas when push comes to shove. Because this is reality. We can talk theology all day long. You can tell me I only have to trust in God. But it's hard. There is no simpler way to put it.

And yet.

My hurting heart, laid to bare with old scars re-opened, cannot ignore the heart of my Savior. Yes, life hurts. It hurts to revisit things I hoped as a little girl I'd forget with time. It sucks to be humbled. I feel naked as I have been stripped of all my preconceived notions about God and myself. And all this because God has been faithful to answer my prayers to know Him better.

But I have to say. In the midst of it all. Knowing full well I could just retreat, just hide my heart. My God is mighty to save. He is worthy. He is good. He is patient. He is still the passionate lover who calls to my heart with blazing sunsets. He has shown me that the purpose in all of this is healing. It's humility. It's understanding the heart of my Savior. And that is worth being weak for. That is worth vulnerability.

I don't have all the answers. But I've built my life believing in One who does. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I'm going to trust that the God who breathed life into my lungs can handle a little thing like tomorrow. I'm going to have faith that in the epicenter of my pain, Jesus is there. He's there with nail-pierced hands and a broken heart. He's there to wrap his arms around me. He's there to heal me.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Jesus, when I have nothing else to stand on, You remain. I don't deserve a love like that. And I don't know all that You're trying to teach me. But would You open my eyes? And would You hold my heart? You're the only one that can.

On A Mission

This past Tuesday I returned home from a week in Guatemala. As friends and family have asked me how the trip went, I've struggled to describe it all in a few words that will at one time communicate all the pain and passion and beauty and brokenness and joy I have experienced out of one week. Even personally, coming home from an experience like that just wasn't easy. Being there just wasn't easy. I was on emotional overload throughout the trip. My heart was bombarded with the overwhelming mission of God and He began to multiply and mold passions in my heart and I realized just how responsible I am. But it wasn't until I was home that the reality of it all hit me.

On Wednesday, I showed my pictures to a friend for the first time. I'd rested all day and was feeling clean for the first time, but though I'd washed the dust of Guatemala off of my feet, I could not wash it's impact off my heart. As I flipped through the pictures, I saw Louis again, and he melted my heart. I saw him sitting on my shoulders, about to walk to the park. I saw the beautiful faces of the children from the school, their smiles and their overwhelming love and warmth. I remembered the woman who invited us into her home, a small concrete shack with dirt floors, and her asking her children to bring us stools to sit on while Ronnie shared the Gospel with her. You don't find that kind of unreserved hospitality in America, with people offering everything they have to make perfect strangers feel comfortable. And I again saw the image of the woman who gave her heart to the Lord in the middle of the street after hearing about the love of God through an evangicube, and I envied the simple, trusting faith of these people who have no other gods but the God, because their lives are without the clutter of consumerism and extravagance. I again saw the pastors of Coatepeque, who have such a zeal for God and a burn for their lost neighbors. And I wished the pastors of the mega churches of America could meet people who are apart of truly healthy churches that may have only 20 people. Because we have a lot to learn from those pastors who humbly place others first. Through His church in Guatemala, God has laid a vision for His church as a whole on my heart. It's beautiful, not oppressed but cultural faux-paus or shame, but a church alive, set free to worship, living in the victory of God, forsaking all other idols for the very heartbeat of a real and present God. It's a church who invites. It's a people who stand in the gap. It's a helping hand. It's a servant who kneels at the dirtiest of feet and washes them with grace and love and true friendship. It's an annointed people going out and making disciples because they can't sit still when it comes to the indescrible God of the universe. It's a church united in Christ and broken of pride, broken of a holier-than-thou attitude, broken of malice and hate, broken of shame and condemnation, broken of living defeated, completely broken. And yet completely whole. It is the beautiful bride of Christ, like Hosea's redeemed wife, God's chosen people, made up of all people who trust in God and in His son, not just a select few. It is everlasting. It endures persecution and fads and the fiery darts of satan and it transcends culture and the norm and it is of God and it is sourced by God and it is for God.

I wept for the first time over the trip and all I had seen on Wednesday, because it finally hit. Because I was totally broken. I was overwhelmed by all the images that are forever written on my heart. I am and evermore will be broken. But a friend asked me to describe the trip in a phrase. And as I thought about it, I had to say, "On a mission." Leaving Guatemala may have ended that particular missionn trip, but my mission is just beginning. I am responsible for all I have seen. I will go and tell the story of Louis and of the church in Guatemala of of Ronnie and Alex and Julio, but I must also go and awaken the church, to remind it of its purpose and to turn its eyes on the only One who can ever guide it. It took going to open my eyes, coming home to break my heart, and being stuck here to set me on fire for God's mission in my hometown and in my home country.

Oh God, I will never be the same. I am so broken. But in You I find strength. In You I find purpose and passion. In You I find my mission. You have given me a fire for Your church, Your beloved. Raise me up and use me according to your purposes. And while you work in your own timing, You won't wait on ours to redeem Your people. So use me now however you choose. Thank you for the beautiful people of Guatemala, who have taught me so much about loving you and serving those You love. Break down my walls of pride, that I may be used as a bridge between the introverted church and the people of this world who need to see Your image in Your people. It's all for You. Amen.

Romanced

In a world where a million different things fight for my attention, the God of the universe brings me joys that no one else could ever provide.

I am romanced. God has fought for my attention; He has given me friends to express inexplicable joy to; He has sent lightning blazing across the night sky that causes my heart to race. He has shown me victory in love, and hope in what seems like defeat.

There is a chapter in a book I'm reading about how God seeks to romance us in ways that are individual and personal. He awakens our spirits in ways no human ever could. My prayer has been for the past few weeks that God would romance me, and open my eyes to see His love. And He has.

It started last Thursday as I was driving home during a storm. It was late at night and I'd called a friend to help me stay awake. But I didn't need that. God quickly showed me that I needed to hang up the phone, that He was giving me what I'd asked for. I watched as silver bolts of lightning wove their way across the sky. And I could only stare in awe and worship in wonder.

This past weekend I watched as God softened a friend's heart. I watched as He protected and provided and sustained as only He can do. I rejoiced in the Lord and the little victories. I also watched as satan fought for the same heart. I watched as the same heart put up defenses just days later. But I rejoice in the same God who fought for me, who in His timing captivated my heart to such a point that I will never, ever be able to turn from His love. I trust that He is doing the same for my friend.

On June 13th, I celebrated my third year of my walk with Christ. It's been the greatest joy of my life. There have been days where it seemed easier to turn away. But my God always, always, comes through. In His arms I have found purpose and worth and love and peace and healing. I look foward to not only three more years but a lifetime of living in Him.

This week I have felt peace in walks with friends. I have found hope in the way Christ is working in those older than me; who still struggle, but who have found a life and calling and purpose in the Lord. My heart has soared as things I've been thinking and feeling have been finally put to words, to the glory of God. I have been blessed with wonderful mentors who love me and are more than willing to pour their wisdom into me.

And tonight, the Lover of my soul called once again to me in the night sky. Storms are scary to some, but fascinating to me. I've always loved them. But just recently I realized that they are God's way of grabbing my attention. As I was driving home from church, I began to think about the Church and religion and how frustrated I'm getting. I'm tired of theology. I just want to know Jesus. I began to pray, and halfway through that statement, lightning lit up the sky, branching off like silver veins and cutting off my words. And I started laughing. I was filled with pure joy at the beauty of God, at His way of telling me that He just wants to know me, too. And all I could say was, "I love you, too." The storm continued to roll in, and I decided to stop to watch it. There's this hill in my neighborhood that looks over some trees and gives a really good view of the sky. So I drove there. When it comes to God, I'm never disappointed. I parked my car on the hill and got out. I stood in awe as flashes of light illuminated the clouds. Some were behind the clouds, creating flashes as if someone had turned on a lamp behind a curtained window. At other times the lightning would spread out like a spider's webb above me. I was totally in awe and a little scared that I'd get struck. But no. It was pure beauty. And purely God. I am so awestruck at His glory!!! I don't deserve to see it, and yet He reveals it in EVERYTHING to His children.

I'm constantly amazed at what God will do just to draw our hearts to Him. And it makes me fall all the more in love with Him. Needless to say, I never knew when this journey started that I'd love Him this much. And that's only three years in! I have all of eternity!! :) I am completely and totally romanced by a seriously ridiculous God, and I wouldn't have life any other way!

Captivated

I am completely and totally captivated by the God of the universe.

He has captured my heart, and I'm finding purpose and meaning in His arms. He has taught me more about myself in the past week than I ever hoped to know. And I'm healing. I've been led to this amazing process of letting the Lord comfort the broken child that I am, heal my shattered heart, and restore me to the woman of God that He envisions for me to be. I'm seeing the beauty around me, and the beauty in me. Everything in this world seeks to tear down the feminine heart, God's gift of beauty to the world, the ultimate crown of creation. But God has swept me off my feet, invited me into His love. He has romanced me. Many ask if that's okay, if it's sacriligious to see the God of all as a Lover. Yes, yes it is. The book of Hosea is all about God's pursuit of His Beloved. In His most intimate illustrations, Jesus calls Himself the Bridegroom of the church. So many of us see God as some hard, distant judge, and we're content to know His son, who seems to like us pretty well. But no. The Creator God, Ruler of all things, who designed love and friendship and our very hearts, wants to know you, and wants you to know Him. He wants you to dive into His heart and be satisfied. For in His arms there is satisfaction and healing.

And romance.

God knows what makes you tick, what makes your heart quicken with joy. Tonight as I was driving home, I was overcome with the scent of blooming flowers, with the breeze on my face from my roled down windows. Today at the Greenway I was captivated by the scent of honeysuckles, which I look forward to every spring. God's roses are the blooming flowers of the fields that fill the air with their heavenly smells. God's candle lit dinners are clear nights with a million stars in the sky. God's chocolates are the precious stones of the earth. Creation is filled with His glory; it shouts that God wants to romance me.

And He wants to romance you, dear heart, for He loves you like no other. In His arms you'll find rest. You'll discover the beauty that you really and truly are. You'll be satisfied. Turn to Him. Let God pour His heart into You. Let Him care for you wounds, answer your questions. Let Him love you. For then you'll find that your precious heart is released to truly live.

Identity

I'm in this time of, like every other person my age, discovering who I am. But I can't find it. Not on my own, anyway. However, I am learning that the more I find my definition and my source in God, the pieces of Devin start to come together.

Like the more I ask God to break my heart for what breaks His, the more my eyes are opened to the church. The church, who has stood for thousands of years, who endures through the strongest persecution. The church-the beautiful bride of Christ. More and more God reveals the areas in my own life that I try to run away. And the ways the church is running away. I look around me and see poverty. People die on city streets. The world is ravaged by pain. Injustices such as human trafficking and exploitation mar humanity. And the church has closed her eyes. She's forgetting her purpose, forgetting her First Love.

Nothing in this world breaks my heart like the church does. The Body is wonderful, complex, beautiful, full of potential. But culture has infiltrated the Body in such as way that we have become our own hindrance. Pride makes leaders power hungry. The mind has become a breeding ground for corrupt ideas and the birthplace of every kind of evil.

The church must find her identity in the Lord.

We must never, ever forget who we are and Whose we are. We must never forget that God cares more about our character than our comfort. We must never forget that God is calling us to be in the world, not of the world. We must be the change we wish to see happen. We can talk all day long about how we think that the world is delivering itself to hell's gates. But what do we do about it? Faith without deeds is dead. Are we dying?

The world doesn't need a revolution. The church doesn't need a revolution. We don't need new ideas or better sermons or better programs or better pastors. We just need Jesus. We just need to fall in love with the One who wants to know us, the One who wants us to know Him. It's time to set aside our pride, that great stumbling block of humanity. It's time to humble ourselves and face reality. WE are the change. WE are Christ's hands and feet in this world. God has given us everything we need to fulfill His mission. It's time to do something. It's time to step up.

Oh God, bring Your church back to You. Turn our eyes from the unfulfilling things that cloud our vision. Turn our eyes to You. Break our hearts for what breaks Yours. Transform us into the people You've called us to be, as shown in Jesus' life. Bring us back to You.

Learning...

I'm learning. Mainly about weakness. I'm so weak. It seems like I'm fighting one battle after another. I'm being attacked in my grace, love, patience, confidence, and my ability, or lack there-of, to use my words to say what needs to by said in the right way. I've gone from pride to self-doubt on a constantly swinging, rarely balanced pendulum; I'm worn thin by the realization of who God is calling me to be and how completely and utterly hard that is for me because at the core of everything He's calling me to, Jesus is calling me to be selfless.

I'm learning.

I'm learning that it is in my weakness that the glory of the Lord is made known. It's when I'm at my lowest that He can step in and show me once again how much He truly cares. It's when I feel like I can't take one more step for fear of the world shattering beneath my feet, He shows me that it's His hands that hold everything together.

In the midst of the chaos, there are times when I have an overwhelming peace. It permeates me. Sometimes when I walk at school, the most chaotic time of my day, I have this peace in knowing that I'm right where God has called me to be. I know that I'm here for a purpose.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

It's constant, unwavering, unshakeable, engrained into the very fiber of my being. No matter how weak I feel, how down, how depressed, how fallen, the joy that fills my life is always there, reminding me of the way God always comes through; in little, unsuspected ways or in great displays of might, He always keeps His promises.

I will cling to the Lord, my source of strength, my peace, my deliverer, my life, my beloved.

From Casting Stones to Casting Crowns

The Word constantly tells us to build people up, not tear them down. And yet we find ourselves in a world that says it's okay to destroy someone to further yourself. The world says Go aheah, send that text. It's okay to tell her what you really think. Gossip is just what girls do. They will never know what you said so why should it matter? What we fail to realize is that our words are spoken into eternity. What we fail to realize is just how damaging words can be. What we fail to realize is that when we gossip, when we exclude people because they don't fit our mold of cool, when we are "just being honest", we're tearing down people and we're tearing down the church.

At youth group Wednesday, we talked about how quick we are to cast stones, when in reality God should be the one casting stones at us. But as with the woman caught in adultry and brought before Jesus, we've been pardoned. We've been forgiven. We've been accepted and loved in spite of who we've been.

Why can't we extend that same grace to others?

My youth pastor had a really powerful visual. He took a ceiling tile and sat it up on a chair. Then he began to throw rocks at it. The first one was gossip. It left a nasty dent. Condemnation. A holier-than-thou attitude. Rejection. All the while, these rocks are absolutely destroying the ceiling tile. With each blow it got weaker, until finally it split into pieces. And not just easy to clean up chunks. Tiny pieces were everywhere. It was too broken to ever hope to be put back together. That ceiling tile represented a person. The rocks are the judgements hurled at it by people who claim to know God's heart. But if we as the church really knew God's heart, we'd know that He wants NO ONE to be treated like that.

And yet how quickly I let myself gossip! How quickly I look through these human eyes at someone instead of seeing him or her as God does. My heart broke with this realization. My friends know I'm a brutally honest person. But how much of my honesty seeks to build? How much is self-driven? Yes, I can tell the truth, but am I telling it in love?

We as the church are here to show the world that God desires so much more for us than what we settle for. We're here to show the world that God loves people for who they are. And yet our actions and words break them down. I think it's time I cast aside my crown. It's time I set aside this holier-than-thou/I-have-a-right-to-say-it attitude. It's time to humble myself. It's time to see people as God sees them. No, I won't be fixed overnight, but I'm not going to settle for less than what God is calling me to.

And what if the church as a whole embraced her call? What if we built each other up? What if we stood on the foundation Jesus laid for us and did this really revolutionary thing called loving our neighbors as ourselves? What would this world be like???

Jesus, forgive me for all the times I've clung to a crown and cast stones. Change my heart. Help me to see with Your eyes. And may my words and actions build up Your body, not tear it down.